Posted by: Mojo Jojo | March 7, 2005

THE ULTIMATE QUESTION: Life, the universe and me

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror. Laugh. And think, Heavens, God did make some really weird creatures, didn’t he!
Really, life, for me, has always been quite eventful. Don’t want to sound like I’m complaining but … well, sometimes I think it could have been a little more drab. Then I wouldn’t have had to walk around with scars all over my body πŸ™‚
Non non, I haven’t started looking like Chuck Norris just as yet but … the way I m going, I would look much worse than a soldier who has spent fifteen years in a Vietnam forest on a lizard and grasshopper diet.
But its been fun. A lot of it. I should be happy. Coz I m really going to be entertaining my grandkids, if I live to be ninety-seven (a gorgonzalatic question mark here).
I was born on a dark night of 1979. And dark it was … especially because the lines were down and the hospital was a little to cheap to install a decent generator.
A nurse had smiled (pretty one, I guess … but at that time, I was too busy being born to notice) and said, This guy’s gonna become a bat….
And today, when I think about it while I m typing away at my computer at 2:00 am in the night, I smile. And wonder if that nurse had a part-time job with a crystal ball and a black cat.
Really, the last time I had this crazed doubt that maybe I was sprouting bat wings and becoming uglier… I asked a friend of mine about this and he laughed, Hey … you got nothing to worry about: You can’t possibly get any uglier and well, if you do sprout bat wings … you will stop crapping about how much fuel your stupid bike swigs...
Yeah, I said, and I will be ramming myself into the empire state building then …
But well, there have been times when I have felt like Superman (like the time I was riding the bike) and then … something has to happen to convince me that I m not invulnerable by a long shot.
But again, I m not complaining. God couldn’t have put together a better package for me (But… well … he could have included R in it)
I been to a lot of places in my life; twice to the clink. And now, I got a lot of cop frens.
Well, once was when I got into a train compartment that had something funny scribbled on the outside. The graffiti was in Tamil, a language that is as old and stupid as the dinosaurs (and I don’t know why the @#$* it did not die along with them).
Anyways, I got into it and the train started on its way. And I looked around … to find that I was surrounded by hordes of pretty women – all looking at me with eyes the size of coffee mugs.
Uh..Oh! Is this a ladies-only compartment?
They nodded – pity writ large on their faces. I grinned my clumsy grin and looked around for ways to escape. But I had no choice : The train was running at 80 miles an hour already.
Jump? Non, non. Better to die of embarrassment than a shattered hip-bone.
The girls were starting to giggle. The red of my face did not match the blue of my shirt. So I chose to hide it.
The next station was drawing closer. I held my breath … Ahaa … at last this nightmare’s gonna end!!
Mouthing a silent prayer, I jumped out as soon as the train stopped … right into the long arm of the law.
Three cops stood silently, their expressions queerly resembling that of the ravenous bugblatter beast of Traal.
One of them pointed at the strange words scribbled on the compartment – which obviously said: Ladies only.
Man …. I can’t read Tamil. How could I possibly know what’s written…, I stammered – realising only then that none of the dorks knew English.
I spent about two hours in the clink – enjoying the company of hooligans with broad shoulders, ugly tatoos and bloodshot eyes – until one of my frens came and bailed me out.
And that was how chapter one of my life ended. And how Jimmy the cute li’l baby became a criminal.

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Responses

  1. Jimbo…and do I remember the day!!! Your great achievement really spread like wild fire around our college!! And to think that you had told Ozzman NOT to tell anybody!! He didn’t tell anybody..he just told EVERYBODY!!

    Here’s hoping that you dont see the world outside from the inside of a slammer again!

  2. Jimmy. That was a great story. I loved reading it. And man, why is it that everytime I read one of your posts, I want to hit those Douglas Adams books again?

    Stay outa trouble!

  3. Hey wheres my earlier comment :(, i said that where were the ladies they could have come to help you out, but guess they wanted you to have a nice time in “sasural”… temme something is it just my thinking or u just cant stay OUT of TROUBLE?????? neways u take care n cya around

  4. hey jimmy..very entertaining. i had a real laugh when you got to the bit that the tamil ‘graffiti’ was ‘ladies only’! but i think you deserve jail if you are gonna bad-mouth tamil! whaddaya mean language as old as the dinos eh? you’re just sore you can get your mouth around the words!!

  5. He he … You can trust Ozzman to do that. Remember the time when Mutton whispered into Ozzy’s ear about his liposuction thingy … told him to keep it a secret et al? WELL … everybody came to know about that too … and in the history of Heber, there is just another guy
    who is more infamous than I am, and that is Mutton. Tee hee. Thanx to Ozzy .a.k.a. Divyan a.k.a. Macabreday ….

  6. Yea, really. Mebbe coz Douglas Adams has to be my biggest source of inspiration. Do you remember dat part when he used the Babel Fish example to disprove the existence of God. (OH, MY SIDES!) … he’s one helluva guy … dat Adams!
    Well, now that I have finished reading HHGTTU for the fourth time, I m looking around for a `Somebody else’s problem’ portkey to get the hell outta this boring place …

  7. Hi Anz … u r rite, I just can’t keep away frm bad luck… it kinda keeps following me like a rabid dog.
    Hell, a few years ago I used to introduce myself as Bad Ju Ju Jimmy. Now, Ju Ju is supposed to mean `luck’ in Afrikaan (can’t say for sure, though. Just something I picked outta Tarzan comic) …
    But well, in introspection, its a pretty good thing to have. Like I said, that way I never run out of things to blog …

  8. Meenu …
    Well, no harm intended … but isin’t everybody trying to prove that tamil is older than it is? I mean, they just declared it a classical language .. and now they want them to declare it ultra-classical .. (Dunno where all of this is heading, though)
    Man, considering the circumstances, dey should be happy i said its as old as the dinos πŸ™‚
    But don’t get me wrong .. I love Tamil. The way dey twist their tongues and say ` ENNNA PANDRRRREEY…!’ πŸ˜›

  9. Hey writing like that on the fly.. thats wonderful stuff.
    Maybe one day when u retire u can write your own version of the Guide to the Galaxy. I am pretty sure u can make it πŸ˜‰

  10. LOL Jimmy! That was an amazing post! laughed out so much. You in the lock-up…. :))))

    Comon u dont need to know how to read tamil at places like that. I was in TN for 14 years n i never had such a problem. For instance, that long sentence painted inside a bus, probably means “Do not keep your hands and heads outside the window” πŸ˜€

    Or that tamil messages screened in theatres just before a movie start means “Do not spit inside theatre” or “Do not keep your legs above the chair infront of you, especially if there is another person sitting there”.

    Atleast i have the advantage of being “oriental”. That way i can get off easily if i land into any such situation. he he he….

  11. Illusionaire …MAN! WHAT were u doin in Tamil Nadu for 14 years???
    But anyways, a few lines of indescript glamblaokumldfksa could mean just about anything …. For e.g. something scribbled with chalk on the wall of theatre could mean … Vote for DMK and screw PMK or whateva! Man, I did only six years in TN and I have already had my fill (guess u r just made of stronger stuff, heh).
    But, yeah! U certainly had the oriental advantage πŸ™‚

  12. What’s with the holier than thou?! If I lived in TN for 6 years, I could read cantonese upside downafter a six-pack and fight dragons with chopsticks :p

  13. Kal … well, mebbe .. if i really put my heart into it, i could probably battle dragons with chopsticks. But learnin Tamil…

  14. πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

    I cant thinkin of anything but laugh!!!

    πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

  15. Getting on the topic of Tamil… I heard someone say.. the best place for a first kiss with your girlfriend is while watching a tamil movie. Does that make sense?!!

  16. Hey jimmy uve been away from quite sometime i hope everythings ok with u take care n keep smiling πŸ™‚ seeya around soon

  17. Hi anonymous,
    Well, guess you r rite. But i got my first kiss while watching a Hindi movie πŸ˜‰

  18. Anz,
    Tis true … I been away from blogworld for a long time now. Thing is, me n da net don’t get enough time together … and there’s always the deadline thingy at work to keep me on my toes…
    But its nice to see u back, Anz

  19. Do you realize it has been OVER a month since you have posted???

    I’ve seen your name here and there….but not around my blog in quite sometime…though my referrer says someone has come over from your blog.

    Don’t make me put you on the missing bloggers list!! <---spoken just like a mother πŸ˜‰

  20. *thwack thwack* Wake up Jimmy! Gaaaah I thot I was the most lazyass blogger but you beat me anyday hands down! Chalo get writing now… and umm … as an afterthot, how are you?
    Are you alrite?
    Or are you serving time? πŸ˜‰

  21. What is straw, Bro
    ther Cawdor?
    hydrocodone apap


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