Posted by: Mojo Jojo | June 26, 2008

Two hate mails…

  • TO: THE HAIR ON MY HEAD…

Dear hair on my head,
……………………………..F**kers, that’s what you are. Ok, I have always known that you never did like me a lot… this letter’s just to tell you that the feeling is very much mutual. Thank you.
For one, you were never very obedient. I’d comb you this way, that way… but you’d always have to have your own way, na? Forever acting up like how Jack’s stupid beanstalk did. You’d rather break than bend. So, one day I’m gonna rip you off your stupid roots and weave somebody else’s more obedient hair into my head. That should teach you a lesson. Bah! (I’d stick out my tongue at you, if I could)
Then came the time when I carried you on my head to college. But no, you didn’t help me much there, either. Quite obviously, I was the only one being educated to be nice.
So I decided to make the most of you while I still could; thought I should colour you blue. But no, you had to play spoilsport again, didn’t you? You decided to turn a dirty shade of green instead, and for months to come, I had to go around the place looking like I had leafy vegetables growing on my scalp. Oh, how I hated you!
But the last straw was yesterday. I could set you on fire for it, but you know how much I hate the smell of you burning.
You know I have always wanted to grow you a few feet and look a bit like Val Kilmer in The Doors. And while I am at it, straighten you into submission.
So, it was all going fine… I even went to a few haircut saloons to check how much they would take to knock some sense into you and finally, I just looked a few weeks away from my biggest dream realised. At long last, I was going to look the way I always wanted to.
Which was when you started rebelling again.
You suicidal moron. It was just then that you decided to start falling by the dozen, didn’t you? You’d rather kill yourself than see me happy. And even as gaping patches started appearing on my head, I realised that all was lost – the barber’s scissors were inevitable now.
So I gave in to all that pressure. What my parents couldn’t do… what my friends’ jibes couldn’t do, you did just by starting to come off. A pity. All that willpower (and five long months of growing you) gone waste.
Anyway, when I asked the barber to take his time slicing through you, I meant to cause you a lot of pain. Which is probably what you wanted in the first place.
I don’t understand you. You are so incorrigible, you could put me to shame. I hate you.

  • TO: THE A-HOLE WHO DROVE A NAIL INTO MY BIKE TYRE THE OTHER NIGHT

Dear a-hole who drove a nail into my bike tyre the other night,
……………………………………………………………………………………….You are probably feeling pretty pleased with yourself. This letter’s just to tell you – don’t bother.
It was twelve-thirty in the night. I had innocently parked my bike beside the road, and gone to meet a friend who was recovering from an accident. I came back an hour later and hopped on it, only to find the poor thing wobbling weirdly. Which was when I discovered that little pointed object you had driven into my tyre.
What followed was a painful experience. I had to drag my crippled vehicle for nearly a kilometre, all the way to the nearest shelter. Then I caught an auto to a friend’s place in the vicinity (He charged 50 bucks! May you burn in hell).
Okay, it was a pain. I had to come back the next day, drag the bike again to the nearest motorcycle maintenance shop and pay 200 bucks more for a new tube. But then came the silver lining… the repair guy said it was good that the tube got punctured that day, because it was in a pretty weak condition and was going to happen sometime in the near future anyway. And I thought that yes, probably it was a good thing you drove that stupid nail in.
But I know you didn’t do it with any noble intention in mind. And there are many bad things I have wished for you, most of which I wouldn’t tell the nice people who are reading this. But they will all come true, y’know – and I would hate to be in your shoes when they do.

Remember, you drew first blood.

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Responses

  1. Is there any relation between the hair and the hole who created the hole in ur bike tyre?

  2. Well… well.. well.. Bad hair days, eh? That answers the above comment too, I guess 😀

  3. @ Balu: The relation. Well, maybe that I want to tear all the hair off the head of that a-hole who created a hole in my bike tyre?

    @ Mattiz: Ha ha! Yeah, that would be a simple way to describe the days that were those 🙂

  4. so u cut your hair? 🙂 well, i hope u decided to go bald… cause bald is in……..!!
    go jimmy……..!!

  5. well, i had started wondering abt those orkut pix with long hair. positively creepy. am not sure that was the answer. sorry, if i am playing spoilsport too 😛

    abt the a-hole, take it easy. men never grow up do they.

  6. @ Divyan: Ha ha. Didn’t go completely bald, but my current hairstyle is almost there 🙂 So that should make me almost the in-thing, eh?!

    @ Creepy Suzie: So that would have made one more creepy person in the world? Hee Hee. But really, I am going to start growing my hair again now … and this time I m gonna be ready for it.
    About the a-hole, how do you know it was not a woman? 😛

  7. 😛 fair enough.
    love the new look 🙂

  8. Blog’s new look? Had me confused a bit back there… because I never posted any pictures of the scalped Mojo Jomo 🙂

  9. haha… lol

    but green hair? seriously? in college…. oh boy!

    i dont bother with my hair too much.. no point in, either! they just look as disgruntled as they can.. and of course, old! grey!! i dont even try to make them feel better by taking the oils for premature greying…

  10. yea..shoutboxes have got for a toss… 😛

  11. but of course the blog. did u ever think a day would come when i would compliment ur looks 😛

  12. @Abe: Yeah, it was a dirty green. But I kept it like that for about three months, until it got too leafy to handle.
    But (sigh!), unlike you, I bother about my hair a lot. Maybe I should stop 😦

    @ divyan: Hey! You took off yours?! All the boxes were going to ruin, and so I left a horse on Shainu’s to shit around and at least make things look a bit livelier 🙂

    @ Creepy Suzie: I know! Was wondering if you were getting soft in your old age 😛

  13. Hey man..not seein ur green hair would remain one of the greatest regrets of my life..but good thing u got rid of ur long hair 😀

    Was I one of the guys who jibed you abt ur hair?

    And thanks for using my shoutbox, even if it was only to get ur horse to shit all over the place..

  14. my shoutbox is still there…….why dont u bring a unicorn to shit on mine? 😛

  15. @ Shain: You weren’t around when I had green hair? Maybe in E-block, when you hardly knew me, huh? Or was it in my second year? Gotta check with Div on that…
    And well, at least there is some activity on your blog, even if it was a horse shitting 😛 Ha ha!
    Kidding, of course 🙂

    @ Div: Oh.. i didn’t see it the last time, will check again. And there are no unicorns in yours 😦

  16. U had green hair & looked like u were growing vegetables? It dint look like weed, but veggies? Cauliflower? Capsicum? Muahahahahahaha 😀

    I’ve stopped experimenting with my hair.. I dunno if you’ve been to a woman’s beauty salon ever.. they say the most horrendous things abt u in the name of marketing.. like, “Maam.. you have so many pimples.. you should try our pimple treatment.. 8 weeks, 8000!”.. or “Maam.. your hair is sooooo dry!! You should try our hair therapy sessions.. works.. See Yana Gupta!!” Finally, this time around, after no-messing with my hair, i think I got a compliment.. She said, “Maam.. did you dye your hair black?” I said No almost immediately thinking I have a few years before I go pepper-colored no? & she said, “Wow! You have black hair”!

    Point being – you guys get it a lot more easy – men with hair on the hed or without – you stil get the ladies.. Women without hair – Go to hell!!!

  17. Ha ha. For men without hair on your head, you gotta be rich or extremely charming – and the rest get to go to hell too 🙂 Oh well, I dunno… He he
    But yeah, kinda enjoyed growing vegetables on my hair for a while. And no, haven’t gone to a women’s beauty salon before, though it’s indeed one of my life’s ambitions…

  18. Hahaha!!!!!!!!
    Oh my god! I was blog-hopping and came across the name Mojo Jojo, and i was intrigued… I am not disappointed!!
    Hilarious post!! 😀 😀 😀
    Hair on the head deserves something more than a nasty letter… Perhaps a cap would help… 😀
    And the a-hole who nailed your tyre, yeah, i’m with you… The same nail has to be driven up where the sun don’t shine! 😀

  19. ode to the hair…love it…and I do think it fortuitous that a nail found it’s way into your old worn out tire tube.
    glad to see your are writing once again

  20. lol. …. ur narration was excellent ..hilarious …..specially the hair one .. 🙂
    even my hair never obliges me ..i should do something and wirte a letter too 😛
    perhaps i am lucky at least my hair isn’t killing itself.. 😛
    touchwood !!! 😛 😆

  21. I think the ladies room in 5 star hotel looks more posh than a beauty salon! Your life’s ambition must be changed!!! Walk into Green Trends – Its a unisex parlor, but, walk in ‘by mistake’ into the ladies room at a 5*, god or whoever loves you most save your soul!!! 🙂

  22. JIMMY YR TAGGED! i mean it! so, now no excuses!!!!!

  23. oh my god i so love the hate letter to the hair… i can so relate to it…

    nice blog u have here… reachh blog hopping from somewhere 🙂

  24. I recall reading this in Bangalore Mirror and both empathising and, at the same time, thinking that there probably is less mindless violence towards vehicles here in India than there is in the UK. It evens out of course. Driving in India is so chaotic that it doesn’t take long before vehicles get the little dinks and scrapes and scratches that would otherwise be perpetrated by some aimless youth with a nail. Either way, we end up the poorer, in every sense of that word.


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